Years ago Judith worked with a woman who desperately wanted to be married. She was in her mid-thirties and had a successful career in commercial finance. She had no difficulty attracting men, but always found them to be inadequate.
Finally, she met a man who was a real candidate for marriage. He was single and also wanted to be married. He was in the "right" age range, tall enough, successful in business and they had a good time together.
In fact, at the time that she, "Charlotte", came to see Judith, she was seriously considering accepting this man's marriage proposal. Her reason for seeking professional help was that she wanted to make sure she wasn't doing anything too hasty or poorly thought out.
The nature of the consultation centered around her expectations of men and marriage. She was a powerful woman and believed that she needed someone equally strong as a partner. This man seemed to fit the bill.
One day, just two weeks after the first consultation, Charlotte arrived to announce this would be her final appointment because this man, "Bill", had shown his true colors and he just wasn't man enough for her.
Judith was shocked by this sudden announcement. What could be the problem?
As the story unfolded, what upset Charlotte was the way Bill served a four course dinner for them and three other couples at his home.
"It was all so fussy, so picture perfect. Not manly at all. I lost all attraction to him that night."
She never asked Bill where he'd learned to serve such a formal dinner. She never bothered to find out what it meant to him to do so. She made her judgement and that was that.
Notice that Charlotte was lost in her judgement. She lost Bill and she lost her chances of ever being happily married, while reinforcing her dedication to instant judgements as the truth of any given situation.
Let's just imagine Bill's side of this story. When he met Charlotte, he was attracted to her elegance, her stylish dress and refined behavior, among other things. After getting to know her over several months, he proposed marriage. Yet, she hesitated.
Wanting to impress Charlotte with his own taste and style, he took etiquette lessons and read up on how to give first class dinner parties. He thought his is what might do the trick in winning her hand.
Growing up in a lower class family and working his way up the corporate ladder, he had judged Charlotte's reticence as coming from her doubt about his refinement. Little did he know that his judgement about why she was reluctant to accept his marriage proposal would be the beginning of the end of their relationship.
Rather than really getting to know one another at intimate levels of understanding, both Charlotte and Bill relied on false judgements to guide their behavior, little knowing that their judgements blocked the very love and intimacy that they were looking for.
Rather than staying open to the differences between them, each avoided the truth in favor of self-deceptive, self-reflective blind-spots.
It's All in the Connection,
Judith & Jim
About The Author:
Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski share the secret to a successful relationship - for a closer connection from beginning to end. Read an excerpt from "The Smart Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams". http://www.smartweddingcouples.com
